Tag: film

Posted on

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

I took a trip last night to see Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle last night. I had flip-flopped about going for a good hour or so earlier in the day but decided to get out and stop playing Gran Turismo. I pay money to get to the cinema and so I should go, even if there aren’t really any films I’m that bothered about, December was a bleak month for films on my list.

I don’t recall what the tide was like but I have sought out that information online and let me tell you, the sine curve is lovely.

Rochester Tide
Rochester Tide

I know this doesn’t show the actual day I went to the cinema but just work backwards. I think it only changes by about an hour per day.

HW Times
HW Times

So, on to the film. As is custom within these pages I rated the film on IMDB. See this communication for an explanation of the rating system.

So, I really enjoyed this film. It was enjoyable, funny and well written. It was a little one-dimensional and obvious, but really it’s a kids film so I can let that pass. I do like the fact that the kids in the original film had the surname “Parrish”. They even get a shout-out in this film.

There were a few times when I thought the action was a little over-the-top, but then I realised this is based on a computer game and those things are what you would do in a game. I mean, flying a helicopter forwards at 90 degrees of roll!

I’m happy to say that I really enjoyed this film.

Posted on

Star Wars – The Last Jedi

YOU ARE WARNED: There may be spoilers ahead. I don’t know yet. I haven’t written this article!

A few days ago I went to the Rochester Cineworld Cinema by the river Medway to see the latest Star Wars film and I have waited a few days before writing this as it could have been a very negative review and I didn’t want to put my dear readers off the film [unlikely].

I’m not sure about the state of the tide this time as it was dark and I didn’t pay attention as I drove along the esplanade. I have rated this film on the IMDB website and I think it gained two stars from my immediate reaction as I left the theatre. Read this communication to get an idea of scale.

And, on to the important bit:

I walked out of this movie really pissed off with it. In the initial battle [YOU WERE WARNED] why did Dameron continue to attack the Dreadnought? He is fucking stupid and shouldn’t be a leader of troops. Why do space ships have to attack in a straight line? Why didn’t the Star Destroyers just shoot the Rebel ship? Surely you disable the enemy’s escape plan first then finish them on the surface? Why do the bombers drop bombs as if there is gravity? I have so many more questions about the military tactics of the film. It was all very much lambs to the slaughter. If I rated the film when leaving the cinema I would have given it a 4! Hence I wrote this communication.

A day later I spoke to a friend about the film. He said it was pretty good fun. I wasn’t sure I agreed. We ranted about all the stupid plot elements and how much of it didn’t make sense. It took a good 40 minutes of us ranting to iron out the problems with this film. That’s not a good sign. I don’t have the time or inclination to write it all here. Clearly my problems with the opening sequence are pretty bad and I’ve not even put them all down!But, here’s the thing:

IT’S JUST A STAR WARS FILM

It’s not meant to be brilliant. It’s meant to make money. I let go of Star Wars a few years after episodes 1-3 were released because I just couldn’t stand the constant disappointment. I haven’t learnt really either!

So, here’s the best bit:

IT’S STILL MUCH MUCH AND MORE LOADS BETTER THAN EPISODES I, II, and III

I have, over the last week, relaxed in my view of this film. Yes, there was loads of bullshit and plots that were shit. The humour was OK and I quite enjoyed that. I even quite liked the porgs. So, I have rated this film an 8. I will watch it again and try to be less bothered by plot and serious things and just try to enjoy the cinematic experience.

Posted on

Rare Event

Last night I went to see Blade Runner 2049 again. I’m not sure the of the last time I went to see a film twice at the cinema. I definitely saw True Lies twice and there are some others I have seen deliberately twice, normally with friends. I think I watched Star Wars 3.5 and it was better on the second viewing.

If I could rate this film again I would still give it 10/10 I love it.

The pace, the cinematography, the look and feel of this movie are all brilliant. It makes such a change to have a lovely, gorgeous pretty film that works at a sensible pace. I know there’s CGI but plenty of it just fits. I loved the whole thing and I look forward to sitting with my family in the future and watching this.

Posted on

The Lego Ninjago Movie

I went to Rochester Cineworld to see the latest Lego movie. I’ve seen a few of them before. I reviewed the Batman one in this communication. The tide was quite low and the mudflats were exposed. I wondered about dredging for a while and whether there is a natural deepwater channel in the centre of the Medway. I rated this film on IMDB and the discussion about the ratings system is in this communication although I may have to change the system.

I just didn’t really think this film was very good. It suffered with quite a bit of “too much in it” which I first noticed with the Transformers movie where the CGI is so fast and too much it’s hard to really see what’s happening on the screen. This problem could also be a side effect of me getting old, hence I loved Blade Runner because of its lingering shots.

The plot of this film was rudimentary and certainly wasn’t anything new. Largely it bored me. While I understand the Lego are on a massive expansion programme with loads of new sets being created and sales increasing I think that sometimes it’s OK for a company to say “You know what? We are doing OK. There’s no need for massive expansion, we can concentrate on doing what we do and do it well”.

Posted on

Blade Runner 2049

Last night after work was complete I headed to Rochester Cineworld cinema with trepidation. I note that the tide was high as I drove along Chariot Way. I had booked in to see Blade Runner 2049. I knew it was a long film and I knew that a friend had seen it and loved it. Would I agree? I needed some food and now because of this I chose nachos. Blade Runner was such a gorgeous beautiful film of my teenage years and holds so much sway with my heart that this film could ruin it. I was nervous.

As is usual I rated the film on the IMDB database and tweeted the result.

I loved this film. It actually worked very well with the original film. If you aren’t sure what sequels can do for a franchise then just understand that I care not for Star Wars after episodes 1-3 and 7. I forced myself to stop being bothered by them.

There’s a lot I could write but in essence I don’t want to spoil this film for anyone. Let me just say that the look, feel, sound, atmosphere and smell of this film is similar to the first. It is a gorgeous piece of film. It all works. The length of the film is entirely justified. I loved it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know how Jo got from San Diego back to his apartment.
Posted on

Kingsman: The Golden Circle

I spent a lovely Saturday afternoon on a slightly wobbly chair in Rochester cinema watching the latest Kingsman movie: The Golden Circle. The tide was about halfway. I’m not sure if it was coming in or leaving. This morning on my run it looked as though it was coming in. Have just used the UK Hyographic Office Tide Predictor.

Rochester Tide
Rochester Tide

That picture shows how little I know or perhaps I just can’t remember a lot about the state of the river when I see it! I’m not really sure when this whole tide-cinema thing started. I know I was attempting to indicate the time of day that I went to the cinema but I can’t remember why I wanted to be so obscure.

I also rated this film on IMDB, please read this communication about the ratings system. I then “share” my scoring with twitter and those who follow me there:

I should probably explain what I liked about the movie. Well, it’s a good action comedy romp around the world. I laughed and found the whole film an enjoyable experience. There’s a lot of blood and gory ways to die. But then there are great actors who all look like they are enjoying themselves.

I actually wrote some notes down at the end of the film as I was sure I’d forget some things. I usually try and hold on to my snarky comments as I drive home ready to type this, but there were some nice touches through the film that made me smile.

  • I liked the dogs’ eyes and how they looked modelled on Cylons and KITT.
  • Elton John was actually pretty awesome.
  • The graphic matches from scene to scene were lovely.
  • Above the Kingsman shop there was a Blue Plaque to a physicist.
  • Jeff Bridges’ character isms when smelling or tasting the whiskey were really funny while subtle.

Tomorrow I am heading into town and if I have time, I’m off to see the blue plaque.

Richard Bright blue plaque.jpg
By Gareth E Kegg – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, Link

Posted on

Mother!

I went to see Mother! to try and make up for the mistake that was American Assassin. The tide was in and the river was quite still. In fact it has been a calm day here altogether in this part of Kent. As is usual I rated this film on IMDB and you can read a description of the rating system in this communication.

So, this could be controversial. . . .

I did not enjoy this film. I watched it to the end just to see what happened and hopefully answer some questions like WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON?

A more accurate title would be “Following Jennifer Lawrence around a house for two hours”.

 

 

In the past, when I have encountered a film I hated or didn’t get I have read through reviews and explanations before writing this. Not this time. I will go and look after this is published.

Posted on

American Assassin

So, I went to the cinema to watch American Assassin. It was that or Mother and I plumped for stupid action. I rated this film on IMDB, as usual, and there’s a communication that deals with my rating system here.

This movie was a piece of fucking shit american macho bullshit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love the way all physicists can put a nuke together and that Turkish bad people drive landrovers. It was shit.

Posted on

It

This morning [just, it was an 11:50 showing] I went to the Rochester Cineworld Cinema down by the Medway’s edge. Earlier in the day I had run along a stretch of the tidal Medway and also the non-tidal part above Allington lock and then later I found myself parking alongside the river but on the western bank.

I went to see It and after the film I rated it on IMDB, you should see this communication as it deals with the ratings system.

Before the film started there were trailers for a weather disaster film called Geostorm. This looked absolutely terrible. The timing of the trailer with its gratuitous floods and storms was pretty poor given Harvey and Irma this month. Another trailer for a horror film was called Jigsaw and I couldn’t give less of a shit for watching it. I’m not a horror movie fan. Mostly because they don’t scare me, I just think they are stupid. Then there’s a film trailer with an interesting guilt start which I thought should be called “We should have gone to Vegas” but was really called The Ritual. That looked hilarious too. AND there was a trailer for a modern Flatliners!!!!!! Along with The Lost Boys, Flatliners is one of the seminal films of my teenage years, it scared me senseless! The new film looks just ok.

IT

I’ve read the book a long time ago. I’m not sure I could tell you a great deal about it. Certain things stick in the memory but who knows? I also watched the original TV series with Tim Curry as Pennywise and remember it being good. I remember the adult characters but not a lot else.

This film turned out to be chapter one. You can’t do a Stephen King film in two hours. Especially It. Mazza and I once watched all of The Stand on video back in 1994/5 and that was a whole evening job, six hours I think. Good but long.

I recall the book being about the adults remembering the summer previously but I could be wrong about that. The overall set up was good. The film was good. Jump scares are boring. For a truly terrifying experience there needs to be a film with little incidental music. As it was so long ago that I read this story I don’t know how faithful it was to the book. It served memory well. Apart from the child orgy.

In the book there is def a thing where Beverly Marsh has sex with all the survivors of the experience. I think it happens in the barrens. It’s written in a very sensible way. This film version avoided that. Maybe the 1990 version did too!

I would be tempted, if I had the time, to go back and read the book or watch the last version of the film. The book is significantly more detailed. But then it would be.

Posted on

Cars 3

I went to see if Pixar had restored their story abilities yesterday by going to see Cars 3 at Rochester cinema. The tide was in and the mud flats were hidden from view. I was really disappointed with Cars 2, while it was a fun film it was a shockingly poor sequel to Cars. So, could they do it properly this time?

I was borderline between giving this film a four or a six, see my ratings explanation communication. You see, this film was pretty predictable. It was the same as the first film. I guess that’s the best way to make a sequel, you can just look at The Force Awakens. This film was OK in terms of plot. It seemed a little obvious towards the end, but it worked. I was surprised they bought the voice of Doc Hudson back, but they needed it for the film – just had a quick look and all the quotes were from the first film, so they didn’t need to resurrect Paul Newman.

I liked the idea that Hamilton was played by Lewis Hamilton. There were many other stars of the road included but when you remember this is based on NASCAR you’ll understand why I have no idea who they were.

Posted on

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

So I went to the cinema today to see Valerian etc. The tide was pretty much at its lowest point. I have rated the film on IMDB, which is my tradition, and ideally you would read this communication concerning the system, although I may have to readjust the system soon. I shared my rating on twitter.

So, it turns out I loved this film. It looked exquisite. It looked colourful. It was imaginative. It was fantastic. It was great fun. It was operatic.

I will buy this film and I will watch it again. While it is not as good as The Fifth Element, it is still damn well great. This isn’t a long review. I don’t have a huge amount to say. I don’t have many criticisms, I only have high praise and that doesn’t suit my writing style and words I use!

Posted on

Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie

Travelled to see Captain Underpants this morning. I went to Rochester and then after the film I rated it on IMDB. You can read my rules for the rating system in this communication. I posted the rating on Twitter.

I found this film to be very enjoyable. I’d possibly even watch it again if it was on TV and I’d definitely go and see any sequels. The story was silly and stupid but the friendship and humour displayed was truly affectionate. It’s a story about friendship more than anything else and I really liked it.

There’s not really a great deal more for me to say about it. I enjoyed it.

Posted on

The Emoji Movie

Dear god help me I went to see The Emoji Movie. I rated this movie on IMDB and you should read this communication for a discussion of my scoring system.

I’m not sure I can tell you what I thought. I can tell you I went to the Cineworld cinema at Rochester and that it was raining when I went and when I returned.

I didn’t walk out but I possibly should have. It was terrible. For ammusement I suggest you read the comments on the IMDB page as I am sure some of these high scoring reviews are just there to take the piss.

Nothing more to say.

Posted on

Dunkirk

It’s been a while and so I thought I’d better catch up with some films. There are a few I want to see and Dunkirk is the first of them. It’s going to take a couple of weeks because of prior engagements.

I went to the Cineworld cinema at Rochester along the banks of the river Medway. I rated this film on IMDB and you should read this communication regarding the scores.

Normally when I watch a film I think about what I’m going to write on this website. Certain sentences and ideas strike me and I hope to remember them before I commit pen to paper [in a sense]. I have very little for you from this film.

It was very enjoyable. It was also a reminder of the terrible cost of war.

I liked all of the sequences but I especially liked the aircraft and the flying scenes. It was all very realistic.

The last moment with Churchill’s “Fight Them On The Beaches” speech was chilling and emotional. I also liked the lack of dialogue in this film, it added to the overall feel and emotion.

Posted on

War For The Planet Of The Apes

I went to the cinema to see a Planet of the Apes film. It is usual for me to travel to Rochester and I did the same thing for this film. I rated it on the IMDB website and you can read a discussion of how I grade films in this communication.

I wasn’t really sure whether to make this a 4 or a 6. I only went for a six because I thought it better than everything I recorded as a four, but I wasn’t that impressed. I wrote about the previous film here.

This film looked bloody gorgeous. It was beautiful. It was computerised. It was 3D which does fuck all for me. The apes looked great.

Now for the story. It was pretty shit. Maybe I missed loads of deep ape-becomes-man subtext with all the staring shots into Caesar’s eyes and face but I’m not sure. If the director was making large philosophical statements then I missed them. I’m really one for deep and thoughtful metaphors.

This was a slow war. The middle 7/8 of this film was slow and boring. Stuff happened but it didn’t really matter. There’s a virus somewhere. There are humans killing each other and apes because if there’s one thing we do really well it’s killing each other. There’s a prison break out and some stupid comedy. Mostly though, this film didn’t really matter. There wasn’t a meaning in there.

Posted on

Baby Driver

Yesterday, I took the vehicle to Medway Valley Leisure Park to watch Baby Driver. The tide was low. I don’t know how much leisure you need to be a leisure park but there is:

  • Cinema
  • McDonalds
  • Bowling
  • Bingo
  • Hotel
  • Gym
  • More restaurants

That’s probably enough to make it a “park”. I rated this film on IMDB and this communication deals with my system. There are likely spoilers ahead.

My overall thought was that this film suffered from a “bit too much stuff” in it towards the end, all the action became a little too much and I just wanted it to go away.

The opening twenty minutes of this movie was pretty darn good. The car chase was a car chase and nothing particularly seemed above and beyond anything else we’ve seen. I’m not sure there are always cop cars just around the corner, ready to chase and a Subaru like that would have left them standing, easily. But, movie, you can have that one for free, because this was entertaining.

I liked the idea of the music, the soundtrack to this film was brilliant but after this opening part of the film the dancing and lovely movement seemed to die. The main point for this film stopped happening. The choreographed walking and camera work stopped and this became just another heist movie. The heists weren’t even that clever.

The top man of this film wouldn’t have employed the nutter chap, I can’t remember his name. This guy was too much of a loose cannon and so wouldn’t have made the team. The plans were quite meticulous and he would’ve fucked things up straight away.

The last job these guys pull goes tits-up. It’s the aftermath of this that became too much for me and I quite like action movies. Lots of shooting and people being bad shots. Lots of driving that was quite implausible. Lots of “stuff”. And the choreography had disappeared or I failed to notice it.

I normally find that my ratings tend to mirror the meta-score on IMDB, but not this time. This was rated around 8/10 instead of my 6. I’ll probably try and read some reviews to see just what it was the critics liked about this movie. Oh, it also had a shit title.

Posted on

All Eyez On Me

A later afternoon jaunt to the cinema at Rochester revealed the inner workings of Gansta rap. My customary rating on IMDB follows, but only once you’ve read this communication about the rating system.

I’m quite happy to listen to rap music, or most kinds of music. So, I was curious as to what this film would be like and how much it would tell me about Tupac and his music. I learnt some of what his music was about and how he wanted his sound. I got a little of what his work meant to him and the story he wanted to tell.

The biggest part of this story seemed to be that even if you make it big you don’t get all the money and the record companies will screw you over.

Having just spent quite a while ranting to all who know me and in this communication about my ideas of politics then watching a film showing the inequalities of being black in the USA [or probably most countries] did not result in my mood becoming happier. However, there wasn’t really any activism in this movie.

All the scenes were shot from a Tupac point of view and I don’t know what really happened or the stories behind them. Perhaps with was whitewashing the history or perhaps it was accurate. I doubt he was an angel.

I am not going to change music style and I enjoyed listening to the tracks within the film. I would claim that the lyric disturb me, but they don’t. I have and do listen to lyrics far worse/better depending on your view.

Posted on

Unlocked

I spent the morning at the Showcase Cinema in the Bluewater shopping centre. I arrived very slightly late to the screen and I was amazed that the film had already started. My ticket time said 10:00 and I got there 10:07, normally there’s about 20 minutes of adverts so I was surprised that I missed the beginning of the film.

This is also the very FIRST time I have had a cinema screen to myself. There was no one else in the cinema. The minimum that had happened before was two people. I should have used the opportunity and moved from seat to seat throughout the film [which would have been better than the film] but I did not.

As is my habit I rated this film on IMDb and there’s some information about the scoring system on within this communication.

This film was quite terrible. It was meant to be a slick spy thriller but it was shit. It wasn’t slick. The script was appalling. The acting was fine and the actors were by and large very good at their job. But the story was shit. The script [again] was shit. It was all rather obvious.

AND THE SPY PROCEDURES AND TECHNOLOGY WERE BULLSHIT.

I will comment on a couple of things because if I was to break this film down into everything that was wrong with it I would be here typing for the rest of the day. It might be fun to do that once this comes out on DVD. I could sit here, watch 10 seconds and then let you know what was wrong with.

Gunshots everywhere in London and no police sirens.

Head of MI5 always wears a bullet proof vest?

Head of MI5 goes in the field?

Resting CIA spy knows head of MI5 personally?

Orlando Bloom mistakes Helmand as being in Iraq?

The Marburg virus was ONLY picked up by one kid?????

The delivery system of the virus was overly complicated.

Why have a countdown on the delivery system?

Burglers steal massive TVs from expensive apartments?

This entire film was entirely NOT plausible. Hence it scored 4/10.

Posted on

Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul

When it’s the hottest day of the year it’s a sensible thing to go to the cinema. It might be just me but two hours in an air-conditioned room being entertained while the UK burns seems like a good idea. I even managed to park in the shadows and made sure that while the sun tracked further south the trees would still bath the car in glorious shadow.

While it might seem that I am moaning about the weather I am not. I love the weather whatever it does. Rain is good, heat is good, bloody cold is good, it’s all part of the life experience and we should relish whatever mother nature throws at us. This might change once I have to put a shirt on tomorrow and spend time at work in this heat. But, I still won’t moan out loud. The idea that Britishness is somehow defined by people moaning about the weather annoys me and I refuse to conform.

As usual I rated this film on IMDB and you should read this communication to get an idea of my scoring system.

Basically this film was the least worse of those at the cinema that I could take young people to. It was enjoyable in a “stupid American comedy” way. I have a whole subset of the comedy genre that is “stupid American”. Things like “Dumb and Dumber” etc. Stupid films where laughs come at the expense of people getting hurt or being stupid.

The film followed the journey of a family heading to MeeMaw’s birthday party. I laughed a couple of times and really enjoyed the performance of the teenage brother, I think he did a great job. The rest of it was full of puerile comedy with no sense of reality in the stunts. But it’s a kids film so that’s ok then.

Posted on

My Cousin Rachel

Last night I celebrated my first night of freedom from exam marking with a trip to the cinema. I chose to go and see My Cousin Rachel largely because all the other films looked terrible. I don’t want to see the Mummy reboot or the latest Pirates film. I didn’t know a great deal about My Cousin Rachel. I went to the Cienworld Cinema at Rochester, the tide wasn’t in or out.

As is custom on this site I rate films out of 10 on the IMDB website but there are rules and reasons and perhaps you could kindly read this communication.

I’m not that fussed by period dramas. I’m not that fussed by book adaptations. I don’t like films which reinforce the failed concept of a Lord Of The Manor doing good for his people and looking after them, it perpetuates the concept of government FOR the people and that doesn’t seem to exist. I do like Cornwall though.

The short version of this review would be “men and their dicks, eh?”.

The longer version is that I actually enjoys this film. I spend some time worrying about candles and fire, the soot and cleanliness of houses and also wondering what you do once it’s dark outside. Did I say that Cornwall looks bloody lovely, such a beautiful county and filmed wonderfully.

“I say Jeeves, make me a picnic for two, now”. “Fuck you Sir”.

How my response would render me dead or in jail.

Anyway, my current anger at politicians and government is creeping into this review subtly.

So, a young man grows up in a privileged position within society and his uncle goes away and dies after marrying. When the widow turns up young man falls in love with her. But he falls ill. Is she killing him?

I enjoyed this film. It was good looking, sensitive and fun. I thought Rachel Weisz acted the bollocks out of it.

Privacy Policy Proudly powered by WordPress