I just want to say that I downloaded the sample policy from the EU and the damn thing doesn’t have any test I can select. That is a little annoying. So, here goes:
- What data do we collect?
- How do we collect your data?
- How will we use your data?
- How do we store your data?
- What are your data protection rights?
- What are cookies?
- What types of cookies do we use?
- How to manage your cookies
- Privacy policies of other websites
- How to contact us
- How to contact the appropriate authorities
What data do I collect?
My not-Company collects the following data:
- None of: Personal identification information (Name, email address, phone number, etc.)
- None: [Add any other data your not-company collects]
How do I collect your data?
You directly provide my not-Company with none of the data I collect. I collect data and process data when you:
- Nope: Register online or place an order for any of our products or services.
- Nope: Voluntarily complete a customer survey or provide feedback on any of our message boards or via email.
- Use or view our website via your browser’s cookies.
- None: [Add any other ways your not-company collects data]
My not-Company may also receive your data indirectly from the following sources:
- None: [Add any indirect source of data your not-company has]
How will we use your data?
My not-Company collects your data so that I can:
- Nope: Process your order and manage your account.
- Highly unlikely: Email you with special offers on other products and services we think you might like.
- [Add how else your not-company uses data]
If you agree, My not-Company will share your data with our partner companies so that they may offer you their products and services.
- Honestly none: [List organizations that will receive data]
When my not-Company processes your order, it may send your data to, and also use the resulting information from, credit reference agencies to prevent fraudulent purchases.
How do we store your data?
My not-Company securely stores your data at [enter the location and describe security precautions taken] – NOT.
My not-Company will keep your [enter type of data] for [enter time period]. Once this time period has expired, we will delete your data by [enter how you delete users’ data].
My not-Company would like to send you information about products and services of ours that we think you might like, as well as those of our partner companies.
- [List organizations that will receive data]
If you have agreed to receive marketing, you may always opt out at a later date.
You have the right at any time to stop my not-Company from contacting you for marketing purposes or giving your data to other members of the my not-Company Group.
If you no longer wish to be contacted for marketing purposes, please click here, or not. I won’t be sending you any marketing shit so there isn’t anything to click.
What are your data protection rights?
My not-Company would like to make sure you are fully aware of all of your data protection rights. Every user is entitled to the following:
The right to access – You have the right to request my not-Company for copies of your personal data. We may charge you a small [very large] fee for this service.
The right to rectification – You have the right to request that my not-Company correct any information you believe is inaccurate. You also have the right to request my not-Company to complete the information you believe is incomplete.
The right to erasure – You have the right to request that my not-Company erase your personal data, under certain conditions.
The right to restrict processing – You have the right to request that my not-Company restrict the processing of your personal data, under certain conditions.
The right to object to processing – You have the right to object to my not-Company’s processing of your personal data, under certain conditions.
The right to data portability – You have the right to request that my not-Company transfer the data that we have collected to another organization, or directly to you, under certain conditions.
If you make a request, we have one month to respond to you. If you would like to exercise any of these rights, please contact us at our email:
Call us at: please don’t
Or write to us: sure, you probably know my email address.
Cookies are text files placed on your computer to collect standard Internet log information and visitor behavior information. When you visit our websites, we may collect information from you automatically through cookies or similar technology
For further information, visit allaboutcookies.org.
- Keeping you signed in – nope
- Understanding how you use our website – you know, this one probably does happen. I use Google analytics to see where people are from who read this bollocks.
- [Add any uses your not-company has for cookies]
What types of cookies do we use? – No idea really I don’t use your data in any way.
There are a number of different types of cookies, however, our website uses:
- Functionality – my not-Company uses these cookies so that we recognize you on our website and remember your previously selected preferences. These could include what language you prefer and location you are in. A mix of first-party and third-party cookies are used.
- Advertising – my not-Company uses these cookies to collect information about your visit to our website, the content you viewed, the links you followed and information about your browser, device, and your IP address. my not-Company sometimes shares some limited aspects of this data with third parties for advertising purposes. We may also share online data collected through cookies with our advertising partners. This means that when you visit another website, you may be shown advertising based on your browsing patterns on our website.
- [Add any other types of cookies your not-company uses]
How to manage cookies
You can set your browser not to accept cookies, and the above website tells you how to remove cookies from your browser. However, in a few cases, some of our website features may not function as a result.
Privacy policies of other websites
How to contact us
Email us at: firstname.lastname@example.org but I’ll probably ignore it.
How to contact the appropriate authority
Should you wish to report a complaint or if you feel that my not-Company has not addressed your concern in a satisfactory manner, you may contact the Information Commissioner’s Office.