Tag: film

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The Northman

I took a small car journey to the Cineworld cinema at Rochester – not in Rochester – to see the film The Northman. As I arrive on the esplanade I check the state of the river to see how high the water is. This gives me an indication of the level of tide in this area of our watery world. The tide was low. I think it’s about time I started plotting the relative positions of the Sun and Moon to Earth in these communications to lend more of a visual representation of what a high or low tide means for this section of our Solar System. I will have a search for some software that gives me what I need, or, I could just figure it out somehow.

After the film, I pondered for quite a while before settling on a score to rate this movie on IMBD. There is a whole communication covering the rating system and it is here. I then tweeted the result.

As you can see from my score I didn’t really like this film. I keep thinking about it and what I didn’t like. I’ve even read some reviews of the film online to try and understand what it was that made this considered a good film. I have also been questioning my own taste in films and what do I expect from them. What does a film have to have for me to think it is good and has that changed over the (many) years of my life?

I didn’t like this film. I didn’t enjoy the story and I didn’t like all the mystical bullshit that was put into the story [that’s probably more my problem than anyone else]. I can admire the colour schemes and general cinematography but that’s only worth being excellent when the story is also excellent and I hated the story. I might have to include spoilers ahead because I’m not sure I can review the film and put over my objections without mentioning particular aspects of the story. So be warned.

There are spoilers ahead in this paragraph. Apart from the weird mother son part which I just shrugged at I was most annoyed by the fact that the whole story was for nothing. The Northman’s journey and needing vengeance was partly to make amends for his father’s killing but also the taking of his mother. Who, as it just so happens, had planned the whole thing. When our anti-hero discovers this I don’t think he questions his role in life and on this planet. He almost does the right thing which is to head off into the sunset with his pregnant lover but he doesn’t he goes back to make sure we get an excellently cinematic final fight off. There was always going to be one ending.

I know the film is based on folklore and most of that stuff is fucked up but I just don’t think it worked. The film felt like a 300 for this age. Vikings done stylistically. I hated the story.

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The Lost City

I drove the short distance – too far to walk but possibly cycleable – to the cinema in Rochester, although really it’s in Strood. As are the rules since sometime in the past I check the state of the tide and this time I was quite excited as the last time I was here the tide was quite low and now it’s was actually pretty high and I had the chance to take a contrasting photograph.

Medway At Rochester Low Tide
Medway At Rochester Low Tide
High Tide In Strood
High Tide In Strood

When looking at the two images I can let you know that I cropped the low tide one a little to remove the vast areas of mud. But you can see the difference especially when you look at the footpath on the right of both images. They were taken from reasonably close to each other and I’m quite proud of that, I didn’t even look at the old image yesterday.

After I’ve watched a film I consider a set of questions to decide on the IMDB rating I’m going to give it. There’s a communication from ages ago that explains the rules. It’s nearly ten years of these rules and I think I’ll have to celebrate that somehow. Once I’ve rated the film I then generally tweet the result:

So, you know what? I enjoyed this film. I laughed [not always at the same things as everyone else] and I thought it was a fun silly lost treasure movie. I think it was loads better than Uncharted although one of my sons does not agree with that assessment. I had fun watching this and it was right mix of silly and action that worked. This film is essentially a modern version of Romancing the Stone which, I think, was a pivotal movie from my youth. I have watched Romancing the Stone recently and it does not hold up to the ravages of time. Anyway, back to The Lost City. How does Sandra Bullock do it? She’s 57 or so and yet she looks ageless. She plays this perfectly and is great at her job – I guess you expect an actor to be good at their job so not that surprising maybe.

The lead male character was played by Channing Tatum and I’m not fussed for him either way. During the opening scene I thought he was just an older Brendan Fraser and that would have made this whole movie amazing but it was Tatum, I just didn’t recognise him. Brad Pitt’s character was my favourite and I think I actually jumped at his final scene! I enjoyed this film, it was silly and fun and worth a watch.

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Morbius

So, yesterday I took the short trip to Cineworld at Rochester to see the Sony Marvel film Morbius. I had booked to see something about a lost city but have decided to see that film over the weekend. I might try and find somewhere with a 4DX cinema to watch a film as it’s been a while since I’ve seen one of those. Luckily for me Ashford Cineworld has been upgraded to a 4DX. Unluckily for me Ashford is at the other end of Operation Brock – the massive queue of lorries on the M20 trying to cross the channel. I start these communications by saying what state the tide was in as I approached the cinema and I can tell you it was low. All the mud bank was showing, the barge was in its own little pool and the water was very low. See this picture.

Medway At Rochester Low Tide
Medway At Rochester Low Tide

After I watch a film at the cinema I then rate it on IMDB and there’s a whole system about how that works. See this communication about how I decide what score to give a film. Then, when I am active on Twitter, because I have times when I remove the app from my phone – it’s not a healthy place to be -, I tweet the result to my millions of followers so they can see what I thought.

So, what did I think of this film? It was boring and unimpressive. I wonder if we’ve reached peak superhero? I know that I generally don’t like superhero films and this one was one of the worst I have seen. It was all pretty standard and just “meh”. There are a couple of things I made a mental note while watching to try and remember to write about and so here we go: Morbius’ pin is the “last six digits of pi” reversed and I wasn’t sure whether to burst out laughing or not at this. Was this deliberate or a pure accident? Pi, when expanded in decimal number system, is an irrational number and so there isn’t a last digit of pi. Was this a clever joke or a stupid mistake? I’m not sure. Morbius requires human blood but there’s no explanation why it has to be human. The bats don’t drink the blood of other bats. Why would he need to drink human blood? This didn’t make sense. Also, at the end of the film his girlfriend – who appears at first just to be a co-worker but then they kiss on the roof tops and that was definitely NOT mentioned before that point – turns into a vampire thing because Morbius bit her. What? How did that happen? Why did that happen? This movie is a load of crap. Oh, and at the end in the final big fight the two chaps seemed to fall a good few thousand feet off a building which wasn’t really that high. I’ve no idea how this happened. Oh, Morbius gets a lab from come counterfeiters but then doesn’t really use that place for anything except building a centrifuge which he could have ordered from Amazon a lot easier.

I did watch Joker recently on Netflix after Smith recommended it. I was told there isn’t really any superhero stuff in it. This was a good film. Joker is more a social commentary than DC film and there are plenty of lessons within. Don’t waste your time with Morbius. Watch Joker instead.

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Uncharted

So I went to see Uncharted at the third attempt! The first time I was due to go I had a migraine and so cancelled the tickets. The second time I thought I had double booked myself and so also cancelled those tickets and finally I went to see it yesterday. I suspect it seems like I was desperate to see this film but really it was the only thing on at the cinema that I even kind of wanted to see. The tide was quite high and coupled with the lovely sunshine the whole scene was particularly lovely, I was slightly annoyed I hadn’t left with more time to walk along the riverside and take some pictures but I was completing licence tests in Gran Turismo 7 and at the moment some things take priority.

After watching the film I rated it on IMDB and there’s a whole other communication somewhere on this site telling you how the rating system works. I then tweet the result at some point depending on whether I have the Twitter app on my phone or not. I am currently in a period of not-having the app on my phone so the tweeting has to wait for me to get to my PC and remember to do it.

Now what follows is traditionally where I write about the film and why I gave it the score I did. So I guess I should do that. I didn’t hate this film. I don’t know the game at all so I wasn’t that bothered by it following the storyline of that. There was a point where I was bored of the film and honestly just wanted it to end. I think I decided I didn’t hate the film by the end of it. There’s only so much treasure hunting you can do, especially when it isn’t interesting.

It’s amusing that scammers would be able to figure out where a load of buried treasure would be when academics who have studied these things for years have no idea. At least Indiana Jones was a university dude. I honestly have so many questions about how the movie makers think the world works, but I suspect they would just wave me off with “plot” or something. For instance, GPS underground? Two whole ships in a cave with a tiny entrance? Helicopters carrying said ships? No noise in a C17 with the cargo doors open?

On a larger matter I found it funny that the heroes were both white dudes. The bad people was one Spanish old guy, a Scotsman, and two women, the only women who just happened to be not-white. I’m not entirely sure what this says about the world and what we subconsciously think about it. Except, we most definitely know the world is a racist place.

So, this is communication 2022 and the list of things that happened in that year I guess must come to an end. It is March and we aren’t that far through the year but it’s already really fucking shit. There are some good things, I went to LA with my friends, but mostly it’s all shit. I want to replace the “things that happened in that year” but I’m not sure what with at the moment. I will ponder and let you know.

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Dog

I went to the cinema to watch the film “Dog”. Let’s get something quite straight here, “Dog” is a shit title for a film. Even when the protagonist calls the dog “dog” all the time. The weather hasn’t been great and so a trip to a warm building to be entertained seemed a good idea. The river Medway was almost as high as I’ve seen it as the tide was high and there was a low pressure over this area of the world, causing tides to be a little higher. After I watched the film I really struggled to work out what score to give the film on IMDB. I had to think about the scoring system explained here and then I ended up giving a 6.

I’m not entirely sure this film deserves a “six” out of ten but I didn’t actively want to leave the cinema so I think it gets that score by default. I’m still not sure I enjoyed this movie or whether it’s any good. OK, well, it’s not a good film but is it terrible? This was billed as a buddy movie and the fixing of two broken animals. I found the first few scenes quite full of toxic masculinity while the man walked around the Rangers Headquarters which I assume are somewhere in the north west of the USA. I don’t know and I’m not that fussed. It was interesting as people were in all stages of militarisation while also getting ready to be deployed somewhere. I found it quite funny, it’s not how bases work.

Our lead character has brain problems and suffers migraines and fits. He’s desperate to get back to working for a “security company” so that he can earn money because there isn’t a social security net in the USA and they treat their veterans like shit. In my time of dealing with the military it is clear that people in the military love it and also absolutely hate the fuck out of it. Then, when they leave, they miss it and aren’t really supported or looked after. I find it frightening that the state can ask these people to do its bidding for them but then not give a shit afterwards. Very tory I guess.

This film was not as funny as expected, the trailer made it look better. So it wasn’t a comedy. It tried to be a social commentary with the hip Portlanders being funny and people living off grid on a cannabis farm, but it failed at that really. We should have seen our soldier struggling with life and he seemed quite switched on to me. If you want a better movie covering all of these issues then you need to see First Blood. It’s a far better film. Nothing in this film really surprised me or bothered me. It could have been so much better. Oh well.

This is communication number 2013 and so here are some things that happened in that year:

  • Chelyabinsk meteor.
  • Benedict XVI resigns, fuck the pope.
  • An industrial building collapses in Bangladesh and kills 1134 people.
  • Super Typhoon Yolanda kills 6241 in Philippines and Vietnam.
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Moonfall

Going to the cinema within twenty four hours of a bender weekend in LA might not have been the best of ideas! But I went anyway. I’d like to convince myself that I watched a lot of this movie but, to be honest, you didn’t really have to, so there were definitely parts that I skipped through some voluntary eye shutting.

On the way to the cinema I took note of the tide and it was actually quite high. No mud bank to be seen. The water was a little choppy from the high winds being experienced. Driving over the Medway motorway bridge required more concentration as the car got blown around a little. I think there are storm warnings out for a few days this week. After the film I rated it on the IMDB website and there is a whole communication covering the grading system written here. I then tweeted the result from my PC as I’ve removed Twitter from my phone for mental health reasons [good ones].

I knew this film would be terrible but I didn’t really to be as bad as it was. It really struggled with the whole “I know something that everyone else thinks is stupid” thing. Most of the film was irritating. It looked great but that doesn’t really help when the story, plot and script are all pretty shit. At least I knew what I was getting myself into.

I did spend most of the movie wondering who the actress who looked like Halle Berry was and it turned out to be Halle Berry.

This is communication number 2010 and so here are some things that happened in that year:

  • The final CRT television is manufactured.
  • A magnitude 8.8 earthquake in Chile.
  • Deepwater Horizon explosion.
  • Germany makes final reparation payment for WW1.
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The 355

So I went to Cineworld at Rochester to see a film. It was actual daylight when the film started and the weather wasn’t that bland grey that we tend to have all the time, there was sun. It wasn’t a warm day but it was a pleasant day. So, to help with the records I took a picture of the river and mud banks so I can say that the tide was low. There are other pictures I think and I might even, one day, walk further along the bank to take a picture of the mud banks that I look for. I wouldn’t be surprised if a photograph like that already exists on this site, there’s a lot of stuff on this site that I’ve forgotten exists!

Down By The River
Down By The River

In the photograph you can see the mud banks on the opposite side of the river, clearly showing that the tide is low. Also, if you look at the bridge supports you can see the green slime where the river covers and then exposes the concrete. Hence, the tide was low. Looking at the shadows and area of light on the far bank it is clear the sun is directly to the right of the bridge. The shadows are long. Both of these facts indicate winter – low sun – and time of image – early afternoon – due to the direction of the bridge – a little bit below east.

I went to see the film The 355. I didn’t really know anything about it before going except that it was an action film with women in the main roles. After the film I thought for quite a while about how to rate this film, there’s a guide to the ratings in this communication. I settled on scoring this film an eight out of ten.

I think I might watch this film again one day. Mostly I will be watching it to figure out what the fuck the plot was and what was happening. There was a general consensus of which city each section of the film took place. There was some aim for each scene to achieve and I think the film got there. What I didn’t really understand was who owned the MacGuffin at various points through the film. I’d quite like to see a diagram of what the film makers thought was happening at each stage.

There’s also been some criticism of this film because the lead actors are women. Well, those so called critics can go fuck themselves. What a stupid world we live in at the moment where people can’t accept the breakdown of traditional gender roles. All the people who think like that can fuck off and die. Well, I guess they will die eventually and with luck those thoughts will die out at the same time. We should be progressing as a society not constantly striving to go backwards.

My suggestion to make the film a little better would be to say that the MacGuffin is a quantum computer. The little USB box that turns any device into a super cracking computer able to shut down aircraft or power stations is just a silly looking USB device. It’s explained at various times that it’s a collection of algorithms or ransomware etc. That isn’t how any of those things work. An easier, and more correct, explanation would be that it’s a quantum computer. Once those babies are made and work all current security protocols are screwed. Everything we think about internet security won’t work. It would have been a more realistic explanation of what the device is.

I found it curious that the film thinks you have to have an actual auction to cover the fact that you are also running an auction on the dark web. Nope. You can just run an auction on the dark web. You don’t even need the product to be nearby. It certainly doesn’t need to be linked to a physical object in a real auction. The people bidding on your MacGuffin clearly don’t need to be anywhere near the real auction. The two events can be divorced entirely. This part of the plot made zero sense. It was worse than terrible.

Now, here’s a little more of a justification for giving this film an eight out of ten. The last few Bond films I have watched I have spent quite a while trying to figure out “why is he going there”, “what is going on”, and more generally “why?”. Plenty of Bond films are just as terrible as this film is with respect to plot devices, MacGuffins, characters, killing random people, shooting up cities in far away places, having coffee in Paris. I couldn’t really see any difference between this film and a Bond film except that I don’t really like Bond anymore. I think I grew up.

This is communication number 2007 and so here are some things that happened in that year:

  • The first iPhone is released. It wasn’t actually that good in terms of technical specs.
  • Live Earth concerts are held to raise awareness of environmental issues. How’d that work out?
  • Start of the financial crisis 2007-2008. The effects are still being felt.
  • A cyclone in Bangladesh kills 17,000 people.
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Not Another Film Review Communication?

I have decided to start a new film review service but don’t worry I’m not going to be adding these to this website. I’ve found that I often start watching the same film on Netflix or Amazon Prime but I only notice about fifteen minutes into the film. I get quite a few recommendations and neither service particularly remembers which films you have seen before and I don’t really go in for rating those films on those services.

Prime Recommendations
Prime Recommendations
Netflix Recommendations
Netflix Recommendations

Now, I like space films which are clever or just space films which are well written. I’m not that fussed on how well made they are. I’ve even recently watched a spate of second world war films but not because I’m fascinated with the war but more because of the stories they hold and things I didn’t know about. Most war movies are utterly depressing and full to the brim of the definition of survivor bias.

Anyway, I’ve seen a lot of terrible films on both of these main streaming services so I have created a spreadsheet to start avoiding watching them again. I’ve only just started this so it’ll be interesting to see how long it takes before I’m referring to it before I watch something. I will also add to the list as I discover films I’ve already seen and try to write down what I think. I will not be adding the reviews of these films to this site. I’ve got plenty to write about here once I start heading back to the cinema and once things start happening again.

This is communication number 2005 and so here are some things that I note took place in that year:

  • The Airbus A380 makes its first flight.
  • The Provisional IRA downs all arms.
  • Hurricane Katrina
  • Drawings of Muhammad are printed in a Danish magazine.
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Spider-Man: No Way Home

Yesterday I went to see this film. Given the omicron variant is being a bitch I had to balance out all the variables. I booked the largest screen/auditorium and made the the seats were definitely spaced from other vectors, facemasks were worn. A group of young men were there not wearing facemasks and I don’t think they were all exempt but there’s no folly like the stupid invincibility of the young. Wearing a facemask actually show that you care about others, you are reducing your airborne vectors, you are being considerate. These young men, quite clearly, aren’t aware of that or just don’t care. It’s easy, I think, to want to think about others and do your best for them. I really should remind myself that the tories have one a majority the last few general elections when the alternative was a society trying to help people.

It was dark, cold and foggy on the drive to the cinema and with roads closed near the village the journey was a bit longer than hoped for. The tide looked low on entry to the cinema. I could see all the mud flats and they were covered in seabirds having a rest from attempting to fly with almost zero visibility. After watching the film I rated it on IMDB and there is a communication that covers all the rules for the ratings here. I then tweet my result and because I have re-installed twitter onto my phone I could do that straight after the rating rather than having to use the PC to send it.

I didn’t hate this film. But I didn’t really enjoy it. But I was happy to see how the story was resolved and how they would figure certain aspects out. I don’t like superhero films and stories because it always ends up – who has the bigger fists wins – and that’s a lazy trope. It’s toxic masculinity class 101. Anyway, this film was mostly dull. I don’t like Dr Strange as a character and I didn’t really like most of the plot. It felt as though they had run out of ideas and just needed to bring back all the baddies because being creative is too hard.

From here on there be spoilers.

This is a film about selfishness. Utter selfishness. Peter Parker could have fixed it right at the beginning by not changing the spell every few seconds. Dr Strange could have stopped the spell and then re-started it but apparently the rules in this universe don’t allow for that. Peter Parker was selfish at the beginning and then ruined many people’s lives and cost millions of dollars of damage. He could have fixed this at any point by hitting the button on the McGuffin. The problems created in this film are so easily stopped. Press the fucking button.

The reason he doesn’t press the button is this universe Peter Parker believes that people should be given a second chance, that they have the chance at redemption. What christian wank this is. Just accept christ on your deathbed and say you are sorry to the imaginary man in the sky and you are redeemed and accepted into heaven. Parker wanted to fix these terrible people without their consent. I’m not sure what was meant to happen after that? Were they going to live in his universe? If you had the amazing power of being a bad superhero do you think you could go back to living in the suburbs? I’m not sure that would end well. The reason these people become bad is that they are egotistical cunts.

What was the end game? It seems Parker came up with a plan but with no idea how to resolve then ensuing issues. This is another classic modern trope taken from the real world examples of Iraq and Afghanistan. If you look back at the end of WW2 there were plans put in place to rebuild Europe and Japan. There was never a plan for Iraq and Afghan. Right, ok. This has gone political. I probably need to stop. Look, the thing is, Peter could have hit the button at anytime and fixed it all. He didn’t. He’s a selfish prick.

I was hoping we could see some Miles Morales, but it didn’t happen. I feel that the script could have been loads better with the other spidermen. I felt stale and slow. It didn’t really work. Perhaps the writers need to watch some buddy movies, or some where they get the team together.

So, this is communication 1998 and I’ve been writing a few things that happened in each year as I get through the publishing of communications. The last few have been interesting as nothing of note has stuck out at me on the wikipedia page and I so there’s this blank area when I wasn’t really into news as such. I just didn’t take that stuff in. Anyway, here are some things that happened in 1998:

  • Andrew Wakefield’s lying study into MMR vaccines and the lies told by the media of the day launch the anti-vaccination movement.
  • The second Congo war starts, it will leave 5.4 million dead.
  • Google Inc is formed.
  • An oil pipeline in Nigeria explodes killing 1,082 people.
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Dune Demolishing

So, this week I’ve watched Demolition Man along with the 1984 version of Dune. There are other things going on but none particularly interesting enough for this site, except maybe the caves and cliffs update to Minecraft. Why did I choose to watch Demolition Man? It’s even worse than that I paid for the privilege of watching it on a streaming service rather than “download” it which I would have done in the past. So, I didn’t download it as I only do that on an old laptop, the new PC hasn’t been tainted with any torrent type software or files and I refuse to let it become untouchable. A podcast I listen to reviews films, specifically terrible christian movies although they sometimes do jewish and muslim films too.

These guys chose to review Demolition Man this week and I remembered really liking it when I saw it at the cinema and the “three seashells” thing is something that I think about now and then. It’s sometimes nice to watch the film before it gets reviewed, most of the time I’m not bothered but this time I thought it was worth it. It’s very interesting seeing how far film technology has come in my life time. This was a high quality film and the effects are some of the best of its time. I mean, they look terrible compared to nowadays but they were still pretty good and didn’t mess with my enjoyment of watching this film. It’s a great film.

Dune, 1984 Lynch version, also happened to pop up in my interest this week as I had discussed the 2021 film version with a friend and as much as I knew I’d seen the original I couldn’t really remember much about it. So, I watched this too this week. What did I think? Well, it’s more gross and despicable than the 2021 film, and I think it’s probably a better film. Again, there are issues with the technology being so much more improved these days that it’s hard to make a film look terrible because of the effects [especially so when there’s so much money involved]. Everyone raves about the sense of scale and vista that Villeneuve creates but the Lynch version has the same sense of wonder and mechanical amazement. I’m not sure people who reviewed the recent version had watched the Lynch version within memory.

I think I have a bigger issue with the overall plot of films like this one which I consider to be absolutely fucking lazy. This isn’t really the fault of the movies but more a fault of the writer of the story. My problem is: it’s just a fucking jesus story! Stop being so fucking lazy and making your lead character the last chance of a prophecy. So many books and films have prophecy and saviour figures that it reinforces upon society the religious views prevalent at the time. Even Harry Potter is the result of a prophecy. This child was born to do the things he did. Every time a book or film with this lazy-ass plot device makes it big it reinforces two things in the population:

  • The concept of religion and the prophecies from the past allowing us to redeem ourselves if we believe in the correct god.
  • The concept that people are born into a particular standing in life and that you need to learn your place.

Both of these concepts annoy the fuck out of me. Both of these concepts continue to encourage and force the disparity we see in society, they discourage altruistic behaviour and they encourage fucking idiots to become leaders of countries because that’s their fucking birth right. You know that t-shirt that says if you aren’t angry then you aren’t paying attention? I’m a walking human version of that. I have to constantly pull away from the news to pay less attention because everywhere I look I see entitled pricks trying to do a job they have no idea to do because they think they should be doing it. These assholes genuinely think this is their purpose in life. To be in charge. To make decisions that will affect populations. But, the problem is, they aren’t qualified to do it. They are slimy cunts who have the right parents and attended the right schools. They don’t give a shit about everyone else, they just care enough to try and maintain their position of power.

I read an headline in The Guardian recently where someone was saying that will all the recent shenanigans they are thinking of changing their vote. Fucking What? How stuck in your ways and forgiving do you need to be if you are only now thinking of changing your vote? How much shit and bollocks do the tories need to create for you to just around now start thinking of changing your vote? What a selfish prick. If you can’t see that the current bunch in charge are utterly incompetent then maybe you shouldn’t be voting in the first place. I suspect it’s more about getting to the balance point where you can accept your hatred of voting Labour rather than the selfish view of continuously voting for the tories because you always have.

Well, that went sideways as a communication but I think it’s all on message for the general themes of this website. In other news I bought an album by Mono Inc because I’ve had “Children Of The Dark” going through my head for weeks now.

This is communication number 1996. So, let’s see what things happened that year that made a mark on my life:

  • Fokker goes bankrupt.
  • Australia bans automatic and semiautomatic weapons following a mass killing.
  • IRA Manchester bomb.
  • N64 is released.

I don’t think I was paying much attention to the news in this year as looking through the lists of happenings, not much actually reminded me. I was news-blind. I wish I was such now.

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