ICIF Proceedings – A Selection

Selections from the transcripts of the International Court of Insurance Fraud, Filmstrasse, The Hague. Tidal conditions are irrelevant.

Judge R. Chester: State your name and occupation.

Will Sawyer: Will Sawyer, building safety investigator and licensor.

Judge R. Chester: Please tell the court a brief history of your experience.

Will Sawyer: I’m a military veteran and also SWAT team member, part of the Hostage Rescue Team. I got blown up. Lost my lower leg. My doctor fell in love with her patient but that’s not creepy at all because we are married now with twins.

Judge R Chester: Thank you. Can you please give us a run down of what happened from your point of view when the Pearl was consumed by fire.

Will Sawyer: I was employed by the owner of the building to inspect the fire and safety systems, my job was to approve the works and then the insurance company would agree to insure the Pearl.

Judge R Chester: Do you think that being paid by the building owner to approve his building is a conflict on interest?

Will Sawyer: Err, nope.

Judge R Chester: Shouldn’t this building have had insurance approved before breaking ground and then you would inspect as the construction evolved?

Will Sawyer: Err, maybe. But then we couldn’t have ripped off the story of the Nakatomi Tower.

 

Intermission.

 

Judge R Chester: Mr Sawyer, please tell us why this building was taken over by violent gangs.

Will Sawyer: The building project was blackmailed through threats of removing unionised workforce. The Pearl owner decided to pay off these criminals rather than inform the authorities and then managed to track the details of these payments through all the shitty money laundering countries. He then kept the names of these international criminals in a safe in the top of the Skyscraper. The crime bosses wanted those details removed. There are apparently copies of this file elsewhere but those aren’t explained.

Judge R Chester: How did the crime bosses intend to get the memory stick?

Will Sawyer: By setting the building on fire above the open floors it was intended to blackmail the building owner. He would hand over the names he had collected. Neglecting to mention the copies he had made.

Judge R Chester: So it didn’t really matter?

Will Sawyer: I guess not.

Judge R Chester: Let me get this right. The whole episode is moot as there were copies of the file elsewhere?

Will Sawyer: Yes.

 

Intermission.

 

Judge R Chester: Did the insurance company representative strike you as odd?

Will Sawyer: Yes, he did seem rather slimy and twisted. It was obvious he was a baddie. But, then he was in insurance and no-one likes them.

 

Intermission.

 

Judge R Chester: Was it necessary for the police to turn up at the park where you believed the ground crew were waiting with your blues and twos on?

Head Of Local Police: Yes, we always prefer to give warnings to criminals we are trying to sneak up on.

 

Intermission.

 

Judge R Chester: Did you not see the sports ground nearby within the area you were searching for the ground crew and also, how come you know so much about base jumping?

Head Of Local Police: Err, we needed an old industrial area to have a fire fight.

 

Intermission.

 

Judge R Chester: Mrs Sawyer, how come you can’t use an iPhone and what are you doing to make it stop working?

Sarah Sawyer: We’d prefer to watch Die Hard. It’s far more realistic.

Judge R Chester: Court adjourned.