Tag: Rochester

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Mission: Impossible – Fallout

My last movie review was a break from tradition and I’m not sure whether to return to a particular format or not. You should probably see this communication on my rating process. I went to Rochester cinema to see Mission: Impossible – Fallout. Now it had been on my radar that this one was the best in the series or something like that. I don’t read proper movie reviews, unless I see a film that has me really confused, or where the score on IMDB was a lot different from the one I gave it. The metascore on IMDB for this Mission: Impossible is 86. That’s an overall review of 86% by critics. So, I have for you my score out of 10:

This film was utter shit. I got really bored. I would have left the cinema if it hadn’t been for two people in the row of seats blocking me in, so that places this film along with Van Helsing on my scale. I spent quite a lot of this film silently screaming:

I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

I think there might be people who could explain to me what happened and who was dealing with whom and what the politics were and why they were in Kashmir. There were two bombs in the same village? Because there’s a glacier there? I don’t understand. This film was, and I say it again, utter shite.

There was an opportunity for it to be good. Just one though. SPOILER ALERT. Right at the end when the sun shines on Ethan’s face, if that had been the bombs I would have applauded. I would have stood up and cheered. But it wasn’t and so this film was bollocks.

A couple of things I noticed though. Firstly, the helicopter used above London had the registration G-DEUP which I thought was funny because it sounds like giddy-up. I sniggered and nodded at this.

You can buy the helicopter! Click below.

Then there’s the case of the identical women. There was a woman trying to kill Ethan or the baddie, Ilsa Faust. I’m not sure. Then there was the only woman Ethan loved, Julia Meade-Hunt, his wife I think. To me these people looked the same. I couldn’t tell them apart. I was somewhat surprised when they both appeared in the same frame.

I’m not going to say much about the indestructibility of any of the characters except, THEY WOULD ALL BE DEAD after the first impact.

Last thing, microwave transmitters don’t work that way. The film just says microwaves because it sounds like science. They could have said things that really do work but scriptwriters don’t generally do science.

I should suspend my disbelief and that would be fine if the script or story was any good. I love a well made science fiction film. I can cope with FTL travel and time jumps and interplanetary travel. I can cope with aliens. I can even cope with mystical powers and magic. But the story still has to be good enough so that these things don’t really make it onto the radar. Pretty much every stunt in the MI film would have killed Ethan and so it didn’t do well with the story line part. I am still not really sure what happened or why.

I looked at a few of the IMDB reviews from critics to understand what they liked and the three I read all stated that this film was a great summer blockbuster. They did not say it was a good film, just that it was the best action movie for a summer release. Well, that explains a lot I think, it gives you the level of shit this film is.

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ICIF Proceedings – A Selection

Selections from the transcripts of the International Court of Insurance Fraud, Filmstrasse, The Hague. Tidal conditions are irrelevant.

The Pearl
The Pearl

Judge R. Chester: State your name and occupation.

Will Sawyer: Will Sawyer, building safety investigator and licensor.

Judge R. Chester: Please tell the court a brief history of your experience.

Will Sawyer: I’m a military veteran and also SWAT team member, part of the Hostage Rescue Team. I got blown up. Lost my lower leg. My doctor fell in love with her patient but that’s not creepy at all because we are married now with twins.

Judge R Chester: Thank you. Can you please give us a run down of what happened from your point of view when the Pearl was consumed by fire.

Will Sawyer: I was employed by the owner of the building to inspect the fire and safety systems, my job was to approve the works and then the insurance company would agree to insure the Pearl.

Judge R Chester: Do you think that being paid by the building owner to approve his building is a conflict on interest?

Will Sawyer: Err, nope.

Judge R Chester: Shouldn’t this building have had insurance approved before breaking ground and then you would inspect as the construction evolved?

Will Sawyer: Err, maybe. But then we couldn’t have ripped off the story of the Nakatomi Tower.

 

Intermission.

 

Judge R Chester: Mr Sawyer, please tell us why this building was taken over by violent gangs.

Will Sawyer: The building project was blackmailed through threats of removing unionised workforce. The Pearl owner decided to pay off these criminals rather than inform the authorities and then managed to track the details of these payments through all the shitty money laundering countries. He then kept the names of these international criminals in a safe in the top of the Skyscraper. The crime bosses wanted those details removed. There are apparently copies of this file elsewhere but those aren’t explained.

Judge R Chester: How did the crime bosses intend to get the memory stick?

Will Sawyer: By setting the building on fire above the open floors it was intended to blackmail the building owner. He would hand over the names he had collected. Neglecting to mention the copies he had made.

Judge R Chester: So it didn’t really matter?

Will Sawyer: I guess not.

Judge R Chester: Let me get this right. The whole episode is moot as there were copies of the file elsewhere?

Will Sawyer: Yes.

 

Intermission.

 

Judge R Chester: Did the insurance company representative strike you as odd?

Will Sawyer: Yes, he did seem rather slimy and twisted. It was obvious he was a baddie. But, then he was in insurance and no-one likes them.

 

Intermission.

 

Judge R Chester: Was it necessary for the police to turn up at the park where you believed the ground crew were waiting with your blues and twos on?

Head Of Local Police: Yes, we always prefer to give warnings to criminals we are trying to sneak up on.

 

Intermission.

 

Judge R Chester: Did you not see the sports ground nearby within the area you were searching for the ground crew and also, how come you know so much about base jumping?

Head Of Local Police: Err, we needed an old industrial area to have a fire fight.

 

Intermission.

 

Judge R Chester: Mrs Sawyer, how come you can’t use an iPhone and what are you doing to make it stop working?

Sarah Sawyer: We’d prefer to watch Die Hard. It’s far more realistic.

Judge R Chester: Court adjourned.

 

 

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Avengers: Infinity War

After hearing from plenty of people that Infinity War was really good I thought I should go and see it. Even when I have said “I don’t like superhero movies anymore” they still seemed insistent that this film was worth it. So I went to Rochester to see Infinity War. The tide was waning but still quite high at 19:00 last night.

Rochester
Rochester

Once I came out of the film I rated it on IMDB, as is my custom. I had to think a while because I was thinking about what single number could offer my sum total of thoughts and sometimes that’s a hard thing to do. There’s a communication somewhere about what these numbers mean.

There are two versions of this review. The first, tldr, is below:

Whatever.

 

The second is more subtle but will make a mild attempt to expand on my thoughts in the tldr version:

The first ten minutes had me confused that I was watching the wrong movie. It started with a fight off world straight away and I was a little lost. After that the pattern was

  1. Have a scene with a few quips.
  2. Have a big fight.
  3. Repeat.

Thanos seems to have a rather Malthusian view of the universe and I have to say I agree with him. I would go further than halving the population though because EXPONENTIAL GROWTH. He sets out with a good plan.

The glove is just a glove.

About three of the male characters had beards and I COULDN’T tell them apart. I think that one is on me, I really struggle with faces sometimes.

Is one of the stones the All Spark from the Transformers movies? Have I spelt that correctly?

I don’t think nano-tech works the way the film shows it happening.

Were the dog things from Resident Evil??

Bashing people into buildings is really important.

Also, this film shows us that hitting people is important and fighting is the solution to everything.

I could have quite happily left this movie as I didn’t care about anything in it.

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Deadpool 2

Yesterday evening I journeyed to watch Deadpool 2 at the Cineworld cinema in Rochester. The tide was very definitely low, I could see deep channels in the mud banks along the edge of the river and I was reasonably surprised at spotting them, they aren’t something I’d noticed so much before.

It is customary for me to rate films I see on IMDB and then tweet the result. You might want to read the comments on my rating system contained within this communication.

Look, I’m really off superhero movies. I just do’t find them interesting. You could say I’m continually searching for the ONE that breaks new ground. The one that merges three genres and everyone goes “holy shit! That is the film we were waiting for!”. I haven’t seen that film yet.

This Deadpool film was much like the first. It’s a superhero film with naughty words and some gore. It’s not clever and it doesn’t make it grown up [says the man who swears too much]. I’m not even sure the plot was up to much. There was some time travel aspects and trying to keep that in line is hard work and this film fails at that. Yes, I guess I laughed sometimes, but I think that’s only because of the swearing and sarcasm. This isn’t a good film in the genre of “film”, this is just the naughty boy in the corner.

At one point the word “cunt” was used in this film. I had thought at the beginning that I better hear that word at least once for this to be a decent film and they managed it. This usage of that word didn’t elevate the status to decent though. What surprised me was the gasps of surprise in the rows behind me when cunt was used. I don’t understand why people are shocked when they hear it. I guess the social-causing aspects of this film make it interesting. But not good.

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Rampage

Went to the cinema this evening to see Rampage. Now, I hadn’t seen any of the trailers – I don’t tend to watch them. All I had was the film poster. Before the film I went for a walk along the wharf, not a Worf that would be weird, and noted that the tide was neither in nor out. There was a low level bubbling sound from the mud banks slowly draining their contained water, it was a relaxing sound.

Tidal Medway
Tidal Medway

As is usual I rated this film on IMDB. You should see this guide to the system within this communication.

It was a terrible film and got worse as it went on. I didn’t even notice one of the main plot points although the camera shot at that exact spot struck me as strange but I didn’t work out why they had done that. I had to ask my neighbour at the end of the film how the antidote got into George.

Chicago didn’t look a whole lot different at the end of the film. Still a trashy place.

The tide was in when I left. The water level was higher than two hours previously.

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Paddington 2

The other day I took a trip to Rochester cinema along the esplanade. For some reason these communications now have references to the state of the tide as I visited. I’m not sure when this started but I do know it was used as a coded reference to the time of day I went. So, if you can find my first reference to the tide then you can work out what time I went to see that particular film. Instead of telling you I can show you what the tide was like:

Medway Tide
Medway Tide

Normally all the green in the foreground is covered with water at high tide. Maybe next time I’ll get a shot of the mud flats?

Anyway, I went to see Paddington 2. I haven’t seen the first one, maybe I should watch that now? But I can say I enjoyed this film. Here’s my scoring tweet:

So, I really enjoyed this film. This and Jumanji have helped me get over the December slump and the mess that was Star Wars. Paddington 2 was a delightful little film full of the great and good of British film and television. It was, essentially, a very clever little film using all the techniques and plots from cinema over time. It was a detective story, a story about adoption and family, a story about identity and immigration, a prison break, a musical, a cop caper, and also a train race with a circus and treasure.

The humour in this film was carefully used and suitable for all ages. Overall this was a great little film and deserves to do well.

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Star Wars – The Last Jedi

YOU ARE WARNED: There may be spoilers ahead. I don’t know yet. I haven’t written this article!

A few days ago I went to the Rochester Cineworld Cinema by the river Medway to see the latest Star Wars film and I have waited a few days before writing this as it could have been a very negative review and I didn’t want to put my dear readers off the film [unlikely].

I’m not sure about the state of the tide this time as it was dark and I didn’t pay attention as I drove along the esplanade. I have rated this film on the IMDB website and I think it gained two stars from my immediate reaction as I left the theatre. Read this communication to get an idea of scale.

And, on to the important bit:

I walked out of this movie really pissed off with it. In the initial battle [YOU WERE WARNED] why did Dameron continue to attack the Dreadnought? He is fucking stupid and shouldn’t be a leader of troops. Why do space ships have to attack in a straight line? Why didn’t the Star Destroyers just shoot the Rebel ship? Surely you disable the enemy’s escape plan first then finish them on the surface? Why do the bombers drop bombs as if there is gravity? I have so many more questions about the military tactics of the film. It was all very much lambs to the slaughter. If I rated the film when leaving the cinema I would have given it a 4! Hence I wrote this communication.

A day later I spoke to a friend about the film. He said it was pretty good fun. I wasn’t sure I agreed. We ranted about all the stupid plot elements and how much of it didn’t make sense. It took a good 40 minutes of us ranting to iron out the problems with this film. That’s not a good sign. I don’t have the time or inclination to write it all here. Clearly my problems with the opening sequence are pretty bad and I’ve not even put them all down!But, here’s the thing:

IT’S JUST A STAR WARS FILM

It’s not meant to be brilliant. It’s meant to make money. I let go of Star Wars a few years after episodes 1-3 were released because I just couldn’t stand the constant disappointment. I haven’t learnt really either!

So, here’s the best bit:

IT’S STILL MUCH MUCH AND MORE LOADS BETTER THAN EPISODES I, II, and III

I have, over the last week, relaxed in my view of this film. Yes, there was loads of bullshit and plots that were shit. The humour was OK and I quite enjoyed that. I even quite liked the porgs. So, I have rated this film an 8. I will watch it again and try to be less bothered by plot and serious things and just try to enjoy the cinematic experience.

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Rare Event

Last night I went to see Blade Runner 2049 again. I’m not sure the of the last time I went to see a film twice at the cinema. I definitely saw True Lies twice and there are some others I have seen deliberately twice, normally with friends. I think I watched Star Wars 3.5 and it was better on the second viewing.

If I could rate this film again I would still give it 10/10 I love it.

The pace, the cinematography, the look and feel of this movie are all brilliant. It makes such a change to have a lovely, gorgeous pretty film that works at a sensible pace. I know there’s CGI but plenty of it just fits. I loved the whole thing and I look forward to sitting with my family in the future and watching this.

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Kingsman: The Golden Circle

I spent a lovely Saturday afternoon on a slightly wobbly chair in Rochester cinema watching the latest Kingsman movie: The Golden Circle. The tide was about halfway. I’m not sure if it was coming in or leaving. This morning on my run it looked as though it was coming in. Have just used the UK Hyographic Office Tide Predictor.

Rochester Tide
Rochester Tide

That picture shows how little I know or perhaps I just can’t remember a lot about the state of the river when I see it! I’m not really sure when this whole tide-cinema thing started. I know I was attempting to indicate the time of day that I went to the cinema but I can’t remember why I wanted to be so obscure.

I also rated this film on IMDB, please read this communication about the ratings system. I then “share” my scoring with twitter and those who follow me there:

I should probably explain what I liked about the movie. Well, it’s a good action comedy romp around the world. I laughed and found the whole film an enjoyable experience. There’s a lot of blood and gory ways to die. But then there are great actors who all look like they are enjoying themselves.

I actually wrote some notes down at the end of the film as I was sure I’d forget some things. I usually try and hold on to my snarky comments as I drive home ready to type this, but there were some nice touches through the film that made me smile.

  • I liked the dogs’ eyes and how they looked modelled on Cylons and KITT.
  • Elton John was actually pretty awesome.
  • The graphic matches from scene to scene were lovely.
  • Above the Kingsman shop there was a Blue Plaque to a physicist.
  • Jeff Bridges’ character isms when smelling or tasting the whiskey were really funny while subtle.

Tomorrow I am heading into town and if I have time, I’m off to see the blue plaque.

Richard Bright blue plaque.jpg
By Gareth E Kegg – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, Link

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Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie

Travelled to see Captain Underpants this morning. I went to Rochester and then after the film I rated it on IMDB. You can read my rules for the rating system in this communication. I posted the rating on Twitter.

I found this film to be very enjoyable. I’d possibly even watch it again if it was on TV and I’d definitely go and see any sequels. The story was silly and stupid but the friendship and humour displayed was truly affectionate. It’s a story about friendship more than anything else and I really liked it.

There’s not really a great deal more for me to say about it. I enjoyed it.

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