London Has Fallen

I feel ashamed. I was told not to see London Has Fallen but still I went. I went to see White House Down and Olympus Has Fallen a few years ago and they were both quite terrible films. They seem to make out that terrorists are superbly intelligent people able to undertake huge operations involving hundreds of people. In reality terrorists are rarely that clever or good at terrorism. So, as ever, I rated this on IMDB and you should read the guide to my system here.

This film was terrible. It replaced plot and intelligence with gunfire and explosions. It didn’t make sense. Perhaps I was hoping for too much realism and not hoping enough for shooting everywhere with guns that have a LOT of ammunition. Holy crap the Gerard Butler character and POTUS seemed indestructible. If you have ninety minutes of your life that you want to waste watching London get blown up while people mill around [the background people don’t react how I would if there were explosions and gunfire] then please watch this.

So, Morgan Freeman turns up playing the Vice-President. Which confused the hell out of me as I was sure he played the president in the previous film and I spent about five minutes trying to figure out what happened politically that would cause the President to swap places with his VP. Then I remembered: that was the other shitty terror film! I was in the wrong franchise!

[So I fucked up. The other film franchise had Jamie Foxx in it. I feel like I’m a racist old fucker now. Shit, damn and bollocks. I was still confused.]

There’s an MI6 man who is part of the CATERING for the wedding at the beginning and confirms that the EVIL MAN is present, at his own fucking house. The wedding is blown up and the USA is surprised that there’s a lot of civilian death. It was a WEDDING. It was clearly a WEDDING. There was a man on the ground who was catering for the WEDDING. The overhead views CLEARLY showed a marquee and many people around who wouldn’t have been there a week before. It was a WEDDING. Anyone with half a brain would have known it was a WEDDING, you know, where lots of people gather to celebrate and probably have not a lot to do with the evil man. The explosion was HUGE. And yet evil man and two of his sons survived? Really?

There was an MI6 safe house in London. Why would MI6 have a safe house in London? They don’t do domestic. That would be MI5.

“The President doesn’t go anywhere without a satellite overhead recording him”. Really? That’s some fucking observation system you have there! I’m impressed. You can manoeuvre a satellite to make it overhead of the President all the time? Haven’t you heard of orbital mechanics?

Gerard Butler makes a hand signal that is spotted by the satellite and interpreted correctly by the bods in the situation room? What? How? What? Seriously what? I laughed, out loud, by myself, in a packed cinema.

“The terrorists have hacked into all communications”.
VP calls Gerard Butler telling him a SEAL team are on their way.
Looks surprised when a SEAL team turn up too quick and then determines they are baddies because they aren’t SWEATING. Nothing to do with brown skin and a beard. No, this film isn’t racist.

The explosion at the end was HUGE. It killed all the terrorists but didn’t get POTUS or Butler? Really?

This film replaced any form of sense and fun and action with gunfire and bullets. Too much gunfire and bullets. And I quite like action films.

My lessons from this film are that white people are OK. Black people are OK. The British are incompetent. Brown people are bad, especially if they have beards or are over 50 and look distinguished. Pakistan and Yemen are really bad. POTUS knows how to handle ten different types of gun and is indestructible.

This is a terrible film and I need to stop pointing out the bullshit.